For immediate release. The Wusses are embarking on a new pet project as the world's population continues to grow. Tentatively dubbed "Give Some to the Earth", The Wusses will attempt to impregnate the planet this Saturday, April 17 with the hopes of spawning another life-supporting world to accomodate the ever rising global population. Given their aptitude for inspiring spontaneous conception, the band feels they are in a unique position to help solve this pending crisis, using a unique position. According to Hercules Europe, "Given our aptitude for inspiring spontaneous conception, we feel we are in a unique position to help solve this pending crisis, using a unique position."
The band will embark on this project Saturday afternoon at 2:45 PM at the Northern Carolinas Museum of Natural History and Unnatural Future in Raleigh. Plastic jumpsuits will be provided to all fertile women as a precaution.
For immediate release. The Wusses, continuing their crusade against chorus pedals, testified this morning before the United Nations. Begun last year following guitarist Gordy West's untimely chorus releated death, The Wusses have waged a campaign petitioning the United Nations to levy sanctions on chorus producing countries across the globe. "Chorus is a weapon of mass destruction," vented frontman Leon Alabaster. "We're simply not willing to allow the smoking cloud to be a mushroom gun." The band will be sending their own UN ambassador, Josiah Yoder, to appeal to the UN Special Council on Chorus Proliferation (UNSCOCP). Mr. Yoder only speaks Pennsylvania Dutch, so guitarist for the candadian supergroup, Arturo Fratelli, will be on hand to translate Mr. Yoder's remarks into Italian.
For immediate release. The Wusses announced today they would be soldiering on without the late Gordy West. A new tour is scheduled to get under way this Friday in Raleigh, NC at the Tir Na Nog arena. Bobby Turnblue was available for comment: "Somebody's gotta pay the child support." Turnblue is referring to a class action paternity suit which the Wusses settled last year for an undisclosed amount after having allegedly impregnated thousands of women, dozens of men, and untold live stock (Yoder) during their decades long touring career. It is rumored that the Wusses child support payments comprise 8% of the GDP of Canada.
Rumors are flying as to who the Wusses have tapped to replace West on guitar, but the Wusses themselves remain tight lipped. "Our fans will meet the new Gordy this Friday night," said Yoder, with a sly grin. Scientists at MIT have speculated that Wusses must be touring with a computer generated facsimile of the late West. Lead singer, Leon Alabaster, calls such rumors "proposterous" citing the fact that he has no idea what a facsimile is. Or a computer for that matter. A team at Cornell has also challenged the idea, saying that such a computer would require 4 tractor trailer trucks just to go on tour and would consume enough electricity every minute to power France for a week.
For immediate release. Canadian supergroup, The Wusses, suffered a tragic blow today. Guitarist and back up singer Gordy West died this morning at a hospital in Sandy Lake, Ontario. West was 37 years old. West was admitted to Sandy Lake municipal hospital late last night after a concert in Sandy Lake after suffering what appeared to be chorus related injuries.
A tearful Josiah Yoder recounted today, "Gordy would always said you can never have too much chorus. I guess he finally found out their was." CJ Bunks, Leon Alabaster and Arturo Fratelli vowed to petition the United Nations for stronger sanctions against chorus pedal producing nations. Japan has repeatedly blocked such efforts in the past.
West, best known for his "chorus on all the time" style of guitar playing, had an astounding 40 number one hits with the Wusses, and an additional 50 songs in the top 20 from his solo career. Fans will remember him always for such songs as Don't Wait Until it Hurts, Look With Your Hands, and Why Don't We Take This Inside.
In 1977, West gave the public a rare glimpse into his private musical philosophy in this 60 Minutes Interview.